"EDEN"

Short, sweet, and to the point, "EDEN" is something that I wrote on my year anniversary of being on hormones. It has been an insane year - filled with more highs and lows than I could have possibly imagined and, had you told me during the summer of 2015 that I would be where I am today in only a year's time, I would have never believed it, no matter how badly I wanted to.

The support of my friends and family has been crucial to my development during this past year - not only as a woman, but as an artist. I have been so creatively-charged, so positive, and so excited for the future - for, quite possibly, the first time in my life. After living in virtual hiding for so long, I feel like I have finally begun to blossom and flourish.

This of course has been a double-edged sword; the positive times have been tempered with feelings of intense despair, of isolation and loneliness as I wonder if I am making the right decision in possibly estranging myself from family, and deepening to already profound rift that I experience from the rest of society in the form of transphobia, discrimination, and fetishization. However, the elation far outweighs the negativity; I have been finding reasons to go on, finding inspiration even in the darkest hour. I have always been the most influenced by times of intense emotional energy - but, normally, that energy came in the form of dysphoric self-loathing and thoughts of inadequacy. For the first time, I find myself writing poems about my beauty, my strength, my resolve.

I wrote "EDEN" one morning while getting ready to head into Brooklyn to celebrate my anniversary with friends. I was doing my makeup and looked into the mirror and, for the first time, really could see a dramatic difference in my face. My bodily changes have been obvious for a while now - the development of breasts, my thinning waist and widening hips and ass, the clearness of my skin, the glossiness of my hair - but, my face was remaining the same in my eyes for so many months. I kept having friends come up to me and congratulate me on my progress - they tell me how different I look, how proud they are - but, for the majority of the past year, I have seen nothing alter in my face, aside from my hairline shifting a little and my jaw softening.

However, now, I look and I see the features are smoothing out - they are not the harsh angles of masculinity. My lips are larger, my cheeks more prominent. It was an amazing sensation, this new discovery. I focus on my face so much every day - doing my makeup meticulously, checking my reflection every time I walk past a window or mirror. I fixate on it, and seeing something so often for so long has conditioned me to believe that it was sedentary, unchanging. I had conditioned myself to think that my face would remain stubbornly boyish but now, at last, I am beginning to love my reflection, and expressing that newfound love through my art is such a cathartic experience for me.

I cannot wait to share THE VENUS COMPLEX with you all once it is finally finished but, for now, enjoy this poem, and check back for more soon!

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