The Ramifications of Misgendering

I have recently gotten into the age-old discussion that all of us trans folks loathe to have, where we need to explain to our cis friends and family why, exactly, their refusal to acknowledge our gender pronouns is a direct act of violence. As someone who is generally relatively confident in my friends and family, I always assumed that, especially for my friends, the violence of misgendering trans folks was a given - an obvious assault on our identity that needed no explanation as to why it needs to be stopped. However, it seems that some still do not understand it and, rather than continue vapid Facebook discussions and arguments, I decided to just make one comprehensive post that can be shared and analyzed.

I, like most trans people, can tell when a person is misgendering with malice, or genuinely on "accident." For some friends and family who have known me my entire life, I do understand that this transition process can be tricky.

After a recent DC law was passed that prohibits misgendering in the work place, I was so happy with this step in the right direction that I shared it. This was met with several comments and messages - exclusively from cisgender folks - who simply can not get it through their heads that the policing of gender and bodies is far more detrimental than the policing of insults and slurs. Several people who reached out to me appear to be trans "allies," but approached me with questions like "How is misgendering that big of a deal?" or "Why can't you just be less sensitive?" and the dreaded "But what about my freedoms?" To so many cis people, it seems that this kind of legislation signals the collapse of their freedom of speech and expression because it treads upon their ability to freely insult trans folks with impunity. Well, guess what: my freedom to identify and express myself is infringed upon through transphobic rhetoric every single day, and it is time to end that. It is time to stop valuing the comfort of cis folks over the lives and safety of trans folks.

Cisgender individuals don't see misgendering for what it is: a direct act of violence. Violence, by definition, is an action intentionally perpetrated to inflict harm, and used to assert dominance, power, or control over another. Violence can be physical, verbal, emotional. Misgendering is all of these. It is a direct attack on a trans identities, cutting to our very core to deconstruct, delegitimize, dehumanize, and invalidate us. It strips us of our dignity, of our autonomy, and of our ability to self-identity and express that identity openly, safely, and comfortably. It creates an erasure of our identity, as if it is up for debate. It asserts cissexist notions that cis people know who we are better than we do, and promotes harmful stereotypes about gender norms, often virtually saying that, if a cis person can tell you are trans - if you are not passable enough - then you are doing something wrong. It reinforces the dated and harmful idea that, to truly be one gender, you must stringently adhere to every preconceived and socially-enforced notion about said gender.

When I call cis folks out on their misgendering, whether intentional or accidental, they almost invariably react the same way: "It's hard to remember." "This is difficult for me." "I'm not used to this." It is so sad to me how used to this kind of flagrant abuse trans folks become; we are almost desensitized to it in a way: we just roll our eyes, correct them, and move on, all the while feeling a sinking dread in our guts that makes us wonder: "Am I not passable?" "Should I have done this more, or that less?" "Am I not pretty/handsome enough?" The comfort of cis people begins to take precedence over the mental trauma of trans folks through exchanges like this, and, frankly, it is horrendous and unfair. We become used to it because, all too often, asserting our identities is seen as a radical or aggressive act, that is often met with severe violence.

I am often told that misgendering does not equate to violence - that it is just an insult, and that it would be the same for a cis person to be misgendered. That kind of fallacy is likewise offensive to trans experience, because it diminishes the very real threat of violence that often comes with misgendering. When a cis person is misgendered - if at all - they can brush it off and walk away, or retort back. They do not have a nagging fear at the back of their minds during every - single - interaction, wondering "will I be misgendered? Will I be outted to everyone within earshot? Will someone hear me being misgendered and react violently toward me for merely existing?" When cis folks are misgendered, there is no history of violence that can be called to mind - no laundry list of past, lived experiences that involve being harmed or invalidated. They do not have traumatic flashbacks to a time when they were forced to live as a gender they did not identify with simply because that was how their parents/families perceived them. They do not think about being brainwashed by institutions like churches, schools, jobs, and doctors' offices into believing that they are a gender they are not. They do not think of countless past times when they have been humiliated, degraded, and dehumanized just for not adhering to a dated gender binary. They do not think of times when they were assaulted, raped, called names/slurs, or when they considered suicide or self-harmed as a result of discrimination and hostility due to their gender identity. They do not have to worry about every single interaction being informed by a societal structure that actively works to oppress people who are cisgender, because such a system does not exist. Instead, we live in a society where trans lives are routinely snuffed out, often without the same consequences as those that would befall violence toward a cis person.

We live in a society where people use a "trans panic defense" and often receive lenient sentencing for killing trans individuals. We live in a society where systems work against trans folks in every conceivable way - systems that define people by their genitalia, that ignore science and psychological facts regarding the existence of trans identity. We live in a society that values cisgender lives while marginalizing and devaluing the lives of trans folks.

Verbal violence and threats against cis people are taken very seriously. So why are verbal violence and threats against my mere existence taken so lightly, and dismissed as me being "overly sensitive to an insult?"

Misgendering leaves lasting pain and trauma, the same as physical violence. It dismantles our identities in ways that do not exist to dismantle cis identities due to social power structures. So, when you are confronted by a trans person for misgendering them, think twice before you tell them to calm down, or say that your bigotry is protected by freedom of speech - because we have the freedom to exist and safely express ourselves, and your language is directly inhibiting that. To defend freedom of speech in situations like this, as though it has no restrictions, is to prioritize language than can dehumanize, oppress, and potentially incite violence. Having laws passed that eradicate misgendering is a massive step in the right direction, and if you feel that they infringe on your rights to free speech, perhaps you should reassess what kind of speech you are advocating for, and interrogate why it is exactly that you want to press for the continued acceptance of rhetoric that actively dehumanizes others who are already marginalized and discriminated against on a scale that is larger than any other minority.

When you intentionally misgender, you are condoning a history of violence and are maliciously policing the very core of a human being. You are advocating for the erasure and dismantling of trans identities. You are saying that years of degradation, oppression, and violence is worth less than your right to police someone's identity based on uneducated, preconceived notions. You are dismissing rape, murder, and violence that occurs to trans individuals - just because we are trans, and our mere identities challenge the fragile egos of those around us. You are contributing to centuries of violence by actively choosing to assert your own will over the identity of another. You are choosing to contribute to transphobic micro-aggressions.

You are saying that you are worth more than someone else, and you are rubbing salt in a wound that is undoubtedly already searing.

In a country where 72% of 2013 hate homicides were transgender women, this kind of ignorance can not be overlooked. It can not go unchecked. We can not sit by complicity and whine that our freedom of speech is being stripped when transphobic rhetoric directly contributes to the loss of hundreds of trans lives per year in America alone.

The preservation of lives is worth far more than your right to insult, degrade, and dehumanize us. This is not a debatable topic, or an open discussion that can have more than one "right" side: you either agree to want to remove transphobic rhetoric from the permissible vernacular (and thereby contribute to the global validation of trans identities), or you don't, in which case, you are a transphobe. There are no two ways to look at this. Complacence and inaction equate to siding with the oppressor.

As more and more laws are passed to protect transgender individuals from the hate and bigotry spewed by our opponents, I can foresee cisgender folks continuing a crusade for their right to denigrate us. Besides, this is not a topic that should take into consideration the opinions of cis folks, since trans lives are the ones directly impacted by this "What about me?" the opponent always cries when a marginalized group steps one foot closer to equality. And, to that, I would say: your words have contributed to the systematic oppression and slaying of us for long enough, and it is high-time that we receive validation in a world that consistently works to invalidate us.

In closing - yes, merely saying "he" when you mean "she" may seem like an innocent, albeit careless mistake. But, once you assess it - once you step back out of your selfish shell and away from your narrow worldview that promotes cisgender identity while devaluing trans identitiy, it becomes clear that misgendering is a direct assault on the most intrinsic facet of human existence: our identity. The one thing that we have that is innate and intangible. That is one of the most vital things to human existence, and misgendering is a direct attack on that part of us - the part that holds the very essence of who we are. I refuse to let anyone take that from me and my fellow transgender brothers and sisters without repercussions.