POT (Plenty of.. Transphobia?)
- Cody
- May 27, 2016
- 9 min read
Something has recently come to my attention that I really think needs to be addressed on a widespread scale, and that is the treatment of trans folk on dating websites and apps - specifically, for the sake of this post, on Plenty Of Fish (referred to as POF from now on).
First, a little background about my experiences:
I do not frequently use dating sites/app, but, on the rare occasion that I have, I use Tinder and POF the most often. Now, I have had numerous issues in the past with dating websites because of the fact that I am transgender and people are not very accepting in the real world to begin with, let alone when they can vent their hatred and ignorance behind a computer screen with a username providing relative anonymity.
I have dealt with everything from guys matching with me -only- to message me and harass, insult, or invalidate me, to guys being nice at first and then flat out becoming belligerent and cruel once they realize that I am trans [side note: I always disclose in my profile bio specifically so that I can avoid situations like this but, apparently, some people choose not to read those].
I have had great experiences, and made some amazing connections via dating apps, but, more often than not, I have had horrible experiences that both make me doubt my own validity as a woman, and make me regret ever signing up for an account in the first place.
I have been dealing with a consistent issue with POF for over a year now. I will make an account, register as female, but in my profile clearly state that I am pre-op and transgender so that no confusion can be made later on. I will have access to the site/app for a few days (during which time I have my fair share of good and bad experiences), and then, one day, poof - gone. I won't be able to log in, my password will not be retrieved and sent to my email because my "account does not exist," and I will have to create a new profile and begin the cycle anew. The curious thing: the men who harass and insult me that I report retain their profiles and seem to have no real repercussions placed upon them by the site moderators.
I have tried to contact POF several times - through email, by phone. The painfully-lacking customer service contact page yields no results for a phone number - only a PR email and a contact form. It seems that POF is adverse to helping, if you want to speak with a live person who is willing to assist you. In fact, an unofficial affiliate assistance page gives two numbers: "The toll free POF customer service number is 977-720-6558 if you do not have international dialing and live in a different country. The other POF customer service number you can use is 1-604-692-2542. Users have stated they have better results using the non toll free phone number. Neither claim can be validated." Another webpage, GetHuman, gives a third number as (604) 692-2542. None have given me an iota of help.
I have emailed both addresses provided: pr@pof.com and customercare@pof.com and have also received no response, despite giving ample time to reply and, in some cases, sending two or three emails with varying degrees of sass. Even the POF "contact us" form page has yet to prove fruitful when it comes to calling the site staff out on their dismissal of trans discrimination. At first I thought that I was doing something wrong - maybe posting photos that were "too sexy" or having too many naughty conversations. The POF guidelines and reason for the deletion of accounts are listed as: "POF has 0 tolerance for users who are rude, upload fake pictures, married, use sexual language in their first email, upload nude photos or break our terms of service in any way. Any user caught doing so is deleted. Users who are deleted may not signup to the service again." They should obviously include "users who are transgender or gender-nonconforming" in that list as well, by the looks of it!
As I said, numerous accounts of mine were deleted. None remained active for more than a week and it always happened after guys would message me with hateful comments. I hardly ever report people, especially on POF since nothing ever seems to be done about it. So, after my most recent account was deleted, I decided to do some research and what I discovered was, quite frankly, very troubling.
It is apparently very common for the profiles of transwomen to be deleted without any explanation. In the rare instance that the POF staff do respond to emails, they are very trite and refuse to disclose information regarding the reasons of the deletion, instead choosing to cite their terms of service in a tawdry diatribe. One specific page that I found has a laundry list of trans folk explaining their own negative interactions with POF and the poor treatment that they have received. One user received an email response to her complaint about her account being deleted that said: "We will not disclose specific details regarding your account’s closure.Most commonly, account closures are a direct result of a violation of our Terms and Conditions regarding misrepresentation of personal information.We may also close an account due to complaints about your correspondence, profile content, or for any other reason as stated in our Terms and Conditions."
"Misrepresentation of personal information?" I saw that and blanched. The not-so-thinly-veiled transphobic rhetoric at work here is staggering. Without blatantly saying so, the POF staff is saying that, by registering as female, we transgender women are "misrepresenting" ourselves - in other words, we are allegedly masquerading as women when we are not. My blood boils just writing that sentence. This is something that I would expect from an ultra-conservative far-right Christian Republican dating app, but not from a dating app that is as highly-lauded and recognized as POF. I mean, I first came across it in Lady Gaga's "Telephone" music video when a clearly-lesbian butch security guard logged on in one brazen act of product placement. I expected to receive equal treatment that respected and acknowledged and validated my gender identity and expression - instead, I have received quite the opposite, and I am sadly not the only one! Not by a long shot.
The more I dug through the web, the more disgusted I became. More and more examples of terrible transphobic rhetoric and unrepentant transphobia began to rear their ugly heads. I continued reading about transwomen (specifically, as it pertains to me. Curiously, I ran into very few accounts of transmen being deleted without reason...) who were the victims of internet abuse and then, the inevitable account deletion with no explanation. What most of us had in common was that we registered as female. Most of us disclosed in our bios, but some did not - and that is entirely okay. There is no stipulation listed that bars trans folk from registering, and the sign up form has only options that feed into the odious gender binary (male/female). Since transwomen ARE women, it only makes sense for us to register as our identified gender, especially since some of us have legal gender markers that reflect who we are. The problem seems to boil down to men reporting us for "impersonating women," or the staff being made aware of our accounts when we report the men who are harassing us. In some cases, I have been spoken to sexually by a guy and when I either disclose or say I am not interested, all hell breaks lose because of how fragile masculine egos are and how poorly they deal with rejection. I've even been told that I am being reported, which now leads me to believe that there is an influx of transphobic members and staff that seek to purge the app of its trans members, or would have us register as our natal sex - which would only open the door for renewed bigotry and insults.
My anger was peaked when I found this repulsive post in a POF member message board, titled "Disgusting Trend." You can click the link to view the full three pages of transphobia [more of which is available here], but the original poster's message reads thusly:
"Recently I started to notice that there has been a spike in Transgender individuals posting thier profiles on female section. Some of these individuals don't even post that they are transgender and you have to find clues, like, too much make up, super tight fitting night attire and profile handles like tsfreak or something like that. To be honest recently they aren't even giving you those clues and I've had a few discussions now with a few of them and until they told me I didn't know I was talking to an IT. I think the following are the reasons they should not be in the female area of pof:
1. they aren't female (I can paint my face white, i'm not a flippin white dude)
2. no hetrosexual male wants to go out with a man who cuts of his member
3. its very distracting, annoying and disturubing
These individuals should either be in the male section (homo sexual or pof should make a whole new section called male 4 tran / female for 4 trans. How Do We Get POF Admin to Act on this?Its really disturbing and something has to be done asap!"
That is a direct copy/paste job, complete with the resplendent concoction of ignorance, misplaced hatred, and horrendous butcheries of the English language. The language and rhetoric gets worse as the thread goes on, although there are a fair number of posters who come in to the defense of trans people, calling out the hateful members appropriately. However, what really bothers me is that a moderator did not step in to curb the fear and hate-mongering, or delete the post entirely. There was no quelling, but rather a mass symposium on how transgender folks are "frauds," are equivalent to blackface, etc. As you can see from his three "reasons they should not be in the female area," the ignorance surrounding trans folks on dating apps is really heavy. I have been on message boards before; I know the ignorance that can easily be spread and exacerbated, but this was an all-time high for me because of how close to home it hit, and how very misinformed the majority of the people posting were. For example, one person says:
"Sorry, but cutting your****off AFTER you are born is not the same as simply being born a female. That "born this way" thing is such a cop-out. It is a choice to cleave your wang. It's one thing to argue your point for gays... but "he was born a female in a man's body" doesn't fly. I have a feeling if this were normal, we wouldn't see them hiding this info from people for fear of being misjudged. If they were truly born like that, 100% of them wouldn't be ashamed enough to hide details, let alone feel shame at all. I'm not against people making personal choices.... I am against the "born this way" theory. Especially coming from people who weren't born that way, aren't scientists, and actually have no clue. That's the same as a white guy saying he understands what it's like to be black."
This perpetuation of false information, harmful stereotypes, and backwards logic is what is so damning to trans people and their visibility. He says that we should not be ashamed or hide, and yet he is basically assisting in whipping the POF members into an anti-trans panic by feeding into the bullshit view that we are trying to "entrap men." He is validating the transphobia of others, who are in turn advocating for transphobic acts of violence and the forceful outing of trans individuals.
What's more frightening than the lack of common sense and basic human decency is that utter absence of POF staff, and their lack of voice on the matter. A simple search through the POF "success stories" profiles yields results that are largely white and entirely heteronormative. This, coupled with the staff's complete disinterest in trans representation and protection is revolting. The fact that the staff would rather delete trans folks' accounts and effectively lost members because of transphobic men who are threatening to leave the site due to the "disgusting trend" of transwomen using the site is so upsetting that it almost makes me want to wash my hands of the issue altogether but, then I remember: there are so few sites and apps that are trans-friendly to begin with, and we have just as much right to search for and find love where we want to as anyone else out there. Even Grindr is largely transphobic and trans-misogynistic (yes, there is a "trans tribe" option, but the app still refers to all of its members by male pronouns regardless).
I can't walk away because I want to get an answer from POF. I want to hold them accountable for their actions and let them know that silencing trans voices by ignoring our calls and emails will not be tolerated. I want them to know that creating mass erasure of trans people within the dating pool on such a popular app is a monstrous thing to do. Effectively, they are creating a cis-normative environment on POF that gives no representation of trans people, and instantly erases us when we register because the staff holds the same general views as the majority of the transphobic male members. It is criminal, and it needs to be stopped.
Apparently, on POF, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but not if you're transgender.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of discrimination at the hands of a dating app's staff or members, especially POF, please contact me. I want to take action against this bigotry, but I can't do it alone. All of our voices need to be heard!
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